God's purpose for my life...

After a lot of soul searching and numerous attempts at failed endeavours, God has shined a light on what I'm supposed to do in my lifetime.

I've attended two universities, had over ten majors (three different branches of jouralism, education, English, psychology, sociology, religious studies, electronic media, communications), and many failed starts at careers only to find myself with no degree, unemployed, and unable to go back to school (defaulted loan - I'll get into that whole bag of worms in the next blog).

For a few weeks, I was starting to believe that I was doomed and that I had no future. I would be working a mediocore job for the rest of my life that: a. didn't offer me any stability, b. wouldn't fulfill me, and c. wouldn't allow me to make any kind of impact on the world. Then after going up to the alter for prayer one Sunday, the next day my eyes were open to what had been there all along.

I was sitting around depressed about what my life had become and what it never would be - or at least what it appeared to never be. I was thinking back to high school, where I had an opinion or feature article in every issue of the school's paper for at least two and a half years. I remembered how I always got such positive feedback because I always had a valid point to make and expressed it so well. Then I remembered how much I love to write and I realized that was God's gift of talent to me and that I had to figure out how to use it to make a difference.

I had stopped writing for so long that I had forgotten how much I loved it and how good I was at it. I had let everything - school (which I hated and never gave it my all), work (serving jobs that were taking up so much of my time and gas, but barely paying enough to keep up with the bills), distractions (partying, drinking, smoking, guys) - get in my way of utilizing my time to do what I really should have been doing all the while.

Then one day, it was as if God had reached down and yanked my ass out of the hole I was digging deeper and deeper for myself. I found myself pregnant, which quickly ended my partying; I lost my job, which I thought would have led me into a tedious career; and I eventually grew so tired of my daughter's father being so immature that I broke up with him at seven months into my pregnancy and moved back in with my mother. I found myself broke, on public assistance, yet rent/bill free.

While sitting at home with my beautiul new arrival, I pulled up a story I started writing my junior year of high school (almost six years ago). Even then, I had fans of it who said, "You have to keep going with this!" I finally decided I would start writing again, but I was doing so half-heartedly.

I've found out over the years that the very best writing has a message or meaning behind it. For the longest time, I didn't see how I could send a message. I don't know what it was, but it all of a sudden hit me. My novel - tentatively titled 'Unhinged' - could be my way of creating awareness of mental health.

There is such a negative stigma associated with mental health that a vast amount of people are afraid to address it. There are so many people out there that need help that refuse to get it because they're so afraid of what others might think of them. I want to stand up and speak out against the misconceptions associated with depression, bi-polar disorder, and any other common illness. I want to inform people and encourag people to be more accepting and others to seek treatment.

I believe that that is God's purpose for me. I've been suffering from depression since junior year of high school (I've actually been diagnosed as bi-polar on more than one occasion), so I know first hand about being looked at in a negative way. I've been ridiclued by people closest to me - saying I need to suck it up. Mental health/illness is real and serious; and I'm ready to fight for awareness, acceptance, and assistance!